flavors of life

I see good things I cannot grasp,

laughing with friends over a meal after school

a mug of rich, hot chocolate on a rainy day

sharing an ice-cream sundae on a date

cooking grandma’s special chicken curry

having a the best sandwiches after a long walk

enjoying a cookie and a coffee, just because

a blissful unawareness of numbers

I see nuggets of happiness

head tilted back and laughter erupting

little fingers grasping onto mum’s hand

sunshine beaming through the foliage

people talking and walking

and living

Flavors of life.

I see the sunlight as I stay in the shadows,

comfortable and alone.

I don’t know what it means to live in the sun

how to grasp the good things,

life, and happiness, and freedom.

it’s not just restricting calories

it’s restricting laughter and memories

and all the flavors of life.

Bitterness, sweetness,

a melting pot of spices

warm cinnamon coffee and good conversations

takeaway street food and walks around town

chocolate ice cream and a long cry

freshly brewed soup and a family reunion

leftover cheesy pizza and disney movie nights

when did we start counting numbers

and stop savoring flavors?

I don’t know how to eat

i don’t know how to live

Swim

The waves are crashing down, all over again

All around

Those flimsy fortresses gone

fortresses of lies and restriction

fortresses of emptiness and numbers

fortresses that were never strong

I was never really in control
Sometimes

It’s easier to let the waves take over

Easier to submerge myself headfirst

Drowning was not feeling

Drowning was instant relief

Numbness that comes from filling and emptying and filing and emptying

Numbness, too, can be a lie
After the numb, comes the storm

Worse than before
Fortresses or not,

It never really ceases

sadness never stops

Never good enough

Always too much

Not safe

Sometimes not anything at all
Numbness or not,

Pain is pain

It’s all just anaesthesia

For something I cannot heal

A hole inside too big

Pieces too broken to stitch together
I need a fortress- my fortress

It might be broken but it’s all I have

It’s all I want (need)

Build a stronger lighthouse

A bigger lifeboat

The waves are crashing down

But I’ll keep Swimming
No more jumping into the deep end

I have to swim

Before I sink

into an endless ocean of self-hatred

Gone forever

Be Patient With Me

I want to tell you about depression
I want to tell you how
it doesn’t really give a damn
not about anyone

How it numbs
and steals
leaves you alone, helpless
in the wake of only guilt

How it unsuspectingly creeps in
and when you realise
you’re too stuck to pull yourself out
it always comes back

At best, a haunting shadow
At worst, a harrowing pain
I want to tell you it gets better
it gets better but
it’s still there

Perhaps I’ll never find all the words
to tell you what it’s like
Just please
be patient with me

A broken compass

There is nothing beautiful about pain

Nothing beautiful about

Broken hearts

War torn minds

When you’re drowning

Pain isn’t pretty

It doesn’t make you more of a person

Just less

Now you’re on solid groundΒ 

Still it beckons

Like the sirens out at sea

an old lover you can’t quite forgetΒ 

There is nothing beautiful about pain

And yet

There is captivation in the depths

Enveloping waves of safety

The quiet power of losing it allΒ 

A broken compass

Stranded between land and sea