Recovery was revealing itself as the soul’s unnumbing, the enduring of pins and needles before we become ourselves again.
-Kerrie Baldwin (I,dragonfly)
Of course if he wanted to escape, he could do so. The prison was, after all, his own heart.
I hated this. I hated knowing what I wanted and knowing what was right and knowing they weren’t the same thing.
My immediate reaction was resistance and resentment which I knew wouldn’t help me at all. I knew I had to learn to embrace the slowness and unpredictability of it all.
~Kerrie Baldwin (I, Dragonfly)
Guilt and negative thoughts/feelings are inevitable side effects of not-restricting and not-compensating and going against the eating disorder. Restricting or compensating to cope with those side effects is like a recovering alcoholic drinking more to cope with the unpleasant side effects of not-drinking.
~an analogy i came up with while talking to a friend
“I breathe in slowly. Food is life. I exhale, take another breath. Food is life. And that’s the problem. When you’re alive, people can hurt you. It’s easier to crawl into a bone cage or a snowdrift of confusion. It’s easier to lock everybody out. But it’s a lie.”
“Despite how much you’ve grown in the past few years, you are still the same miserable person deep down and if you really want to change, you need to put in the effort to make the change instead of letting circumstances dictate. It is not easy, and you take steps back and forth everyday. Life isn’t perfect, sometimes life doesn’t make sense and it’s okay to not be perfect, to not be in control. ‘Control’ is just false security because we are never really in control anyway, not of life, and seeking control through food and weight isn’t really control either. It’s okay to take it slowly and just remember to be kind to yourself because you are trying your best.”
-from my past self
“Be kind to yourself. Stop telling yourself that whatever you’re struggling with ‘should’ be easy. If something is hard for you, it is hard for you. Acknowledge these things. When you finish something hard, be proud! Celebrate a little. And really, just stop saying ‘should’ to yourself about your thoughts and feelings in any context. You feel how you feel. The things in your head are the things in your head. You can only change what you can do. Stop beating yourself up for who and what you are right now- it isn’t productive. Focus on moving forward.”
“Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.”
“Stepping on the scales will only confirm that gravity is still working against the mass of your body, and there is little value in constantly reaffirming the presence of gravity.”