“Maybe you don’t really have to be good enough for recovery, you only need to be willing.”

“Do not tell everyone your story. You will only end up feeling more rejected. People cannot give you what you long for in your heart. The more you expect from people’s response to your experience of abandonment, the more you will feel exposed to ridicule.”
~Henri J.M. Nouwen

“It’s okay to need to disorder to cope, I get how it feels safe for you, how it’s comforting. But when you feel like you don’t want to leave the disorder, that you are nothing without the disorder, that you are not ‘sick enough’ to get better but the thing we often forget is that the disorder can be so sneaky and manipulative, much like an abusive relationship. It sort of tricks you into thinking you can’t live without it, into staying with it, into thinking you are nothing without it- but the truth is, what you have accomplished is in spite of your illness and not because of it.”

~my therapist

I just wonder if it’s simply my fears holding me back. It’s different than being in the thick of the disorder, different than being unable to differentiate between you and the disorder, different than needing it. I am finally in a place where I recognize that my illness is no longer serving me, I am finally in a place where I want to be normal again, I am finally in a place where I am getting better at learning to deal with emotions and cope and accept myself but I am just too scared of change and just too scared to leave. I am scared of not being good enough, not being sick enough, scared of losing control, scared of losing my safe haven. Are these fears always going to hold me back or will I learn to overcome them someday? I suppose, like she constantly reminds me, I just need to remember it is not just one huge change, it is not black and white, not just completely letting go- it is a process, and it’s okay to feel negative emotions too (and sit with those negative emotions and accept them instead of fight them!). To be honest, despite all the efforts in recovery, I still want desperately to get to my goal weight. I want to feel sick enough, I want people to notice, I want to prove to my doctors that I am sick. even if it doesn’t bring me the happiness I think it would, I just want to see how I feel at that weight. I want to be skinny for once. maybe then I’d feel good enough for recovery- wishful thinking, but maybe then. I still hate myself too much, still find too much comfort in the negativity.