I just saw my therapist and it was.. pretty crap. I cried, a lot, I cried more than I’d cried in a really really long time. I was on the verge on tears the entire time, and we barely even talked about what happened. She did express how sorry she was for what happened and that the incident wasn’t my fault. She said her heart broke for me when she read the email, and she said that what makes her sad about all of this is that I’m just driven to destroy myself and I’m just going down a self destructive path. She talked about how I’m choosing to just self destruct, how I’m driven to stay in a state of shame and pain, how I choose to listen to my beliefs and that I don’t want to believe anything other than my awful self worth, that perhaps I just want to stay sick. I told her that I’d hoped it would help but she called me out and said that that unlike some people, I already know self destruction isn’t helping me- and she’s right. I know it’s not going to help but I choose to do it. I know it doesn’t help but a small part of me always wistfully hopes self destruction would help. I know it doesn’t help but I don’t see a way out sometimes, I told her how the beliefs are so strong I can’t do anything but self destruct. She asked me why I believe what I believe, why I hold onto the beliefs. I don’t know.
She talked about that a lot, she said that it wasn’t that I couldn’t do or believe anything else, but that I choose to continue to subscribe wholeheartedly to my belief system. That I’m driven to self destruct because I choose to hold onto the belief that I am unworthy and I deserve pain. It was hard to hear someone say that it’s a choice to continue holding onto my belief system. It was hard to hear her say that I’m the only one who can make the choices and decisions, that I have to do it myself. She said that it’s not easy, but in order to recover I have start to let go of my beliefs and let go of my value systems. ‘Even with an ED- if you continue to hold onto the value system of food & weight = worth, you will never get better. if you continue to believe that you deserve destruction, you’re going to end up destroyed.” She served it to me brutally honestly today, that based on where I am right now she doesn’t see me going far, she doesn’t see me moving overseas for Uni or becoming a doctor. I don’t either, honestly.
I told her if I go on like this I’m going to die, that I genuinely see myself dying. I cried. I told her how desperate I’ve been feeling, we both agreed that this is truly rock bottom and it’s hard to go any lower, really. I cried and told her how I don’t want to keep doing any this, I don’t want to keep self destructing but I don’t know how not to. I told her I need help but I don’t know how to rely on anyone. I don’t want to open up, I don’t want to rely on people- but I need support so badly. She talked about how ever since she’s known me, she realises I have this need to escape this feeling of ‘brokenness’ and everything I do is an attempt to ultimately get away from the pain. I told her how I have to pretend I’m okay because otherwise it’ll be too much and I won’t be okay. I said that I had to pretend to be okay in order to cope but she was once again honest and said that she doesn’t think it’s working and even while trying to escape and trying to pretend I’m okay, everything is falling apart. ‘I mean, you’ve been trying to be okay and pretending everything is fine in order to get by- and yet look at where we are right now. You just need to let yourself not be okay, you need to let yourself feel broken before you can start to feel less broken. You need to let yourself feel the pain instead of pretending the problems don’t exist, because this pain is very real. And instead of having to have this ‘image’, it’s okay to be broken and it’s okay to not know. Sometimes instead of always figuring out how we feel or what’s going on, we need to stop and ask ourselves why’.
The pain is going to be there no matter what and it’s not going to be easy. The awful feelings and brokenness and pain are going to stay- ‘you can’t take away what people have done to you, you can’t take away the bad things that have happened to you, and that’s going to hurt. but what are you going to continue to do about it?’. The beliefs are way, way too strong- I realised this, especially the beliefs surrounding myself and my compulsive need to take responsibility for others’ feelings. Also talking about relationships, I cried again, wracked with the fear that when I start reaching out more, everyone is going to abandon me. I cried and cried because I can’t stand being vulnerable and I’m terrified of people. But she talked about how I need to start opening up more and I need to sit with the uncomfortable feelings that are bound to come up. She also said this which I liked ‘you’ll just have to be like everyone else- truth is, we all get attached to people and we all get hurt, we all have the risk of getting abandoned and rejected and we all feel like we’re not good enough sometimes, that’s just how relationships are. And it’s up to you, if you ever want your close relationships to feel.. close, you need to let people in and start being honest.’ That did make a lot of sense.
What I took away from the session, as well as last week’s, was that I need to do it. I need to make that change, and like she said, not in any big or exceptional ways (I quote, ‘you’re not going to wake up and magically feel validated and worthy and better. it’s in the small steps’) but I need to take responsibility for my life and continuing to stay sick- it’s been 6 years of running away and self destruction now. That’s really, really hard, having to hear all this. I need to take responsibility for my behaviours and my choice to hold onto my beliefs when cognitively I know it’s not the only way. Hearing her say such things makes me feel like a disappointment, it makes me feel hopeless and exhausted and inadequate but I also know she’s also right, that nothing anyone can say or do will be enough. Nothing will be enough. I know she’s right, that I could be in therapy forever, I could be in and out of Hospitals forever, I could continue to take medication forever but none of it will change anything if I don’t. I’m so tired. I’m so worn and why do I feel so lost again?
I was hoping the self destruction on Monday would be a tipping point, a catalyst for change, but I was wrong. I’m just more tired and sad than ever. The ED is still there and still strong- I’ve been purging multiple times daily, skipping meals, having extreme all-or-nothing thoughts. My body image is awful and I constantly feel undeserving of food. I still want to die, more than ever. But I’m not going to die by suicide anytime soon- I told my therapist I want to finish school and I really do. She asked me what I wanted my life to be if I didn’t had to deal with all of this- I said I wish I could go to school, and enjoy it. I wish I could do the things I want to do, volunteer and make art and go out. I wish I could be less sad and tired all the time. I wish I didn’t have to carry what feels like the weight of the world all the time. I wish I could go out for dinner with my friends tomorrow. I wish I could just be normal and not so, so broken. I just don’t know what to do. Maybe she’s right and maybe it’s time to let go of my beliefs, to try to be self compassionate. Maybe I should try to get better even though I really don’t have any motivation to do so. I don’t want to get better, I have no reason to get better but maybe 6 years/a lifelong of suffering is enough reason, maybe that fact that these awful beliefs about myself stem from my environment & not truth, is enough reason. I can never answer why I hold onto these beliefs so steadfastly, why I so strongly believe that I am fundamentally wrong and undeserving. Maybe the fact that today, my therapist looked into my eyes and told me straight, that I was falling apart and that she doesn’t see me achieving my dreams of going to Uni or becoming a doctor (she believes I am capable and have a lot to offer, but that’s not going to matter if I’m destroying myself), the fact that I just sat there and cried even more than I did before my last suicide attempt. Maybe just the fact that I am tired and I know, deep down, whether or not I want to recover, I know I have to- that is enough. I will never feel deserving of this, will I? My past-self has given me permission to recover, over and over, and I still feel like I can’t. Maybe that’s okay because I know I can. I mean, my therapist said it- I can. It’s my choice now.
My god, I am in so much pain. ‘Just let the pain come, they said, you’ll be okay, they said’. This sucks. Not hurting myself, in itself, hurts. No more running, Ericia, no more running. Something needs to change whether you want it or not and if you’re not going to die, you need to change for the better.