All this talk about
as far as you can,
to the middle of nowhere.
if only you stopped to think
all you ever wanted to run from
was the pain?
after all this running,
you realize the monsters
were inside all along?
you’re so used to running,
you can no longer stop
and nothing feels safe anymore?
You know, maybe why I yearn to get away so badly- is simply to find a place of solace. But is it really just a more beautiful form of escapism? Am I still running away, like I have all my life? Why does it seem like that’s all I know how to do? What if I never run away from the very thing I’ve been trying to all this while- pain?
we talk about this in therapy- I isolate. That’s how I protect myself. I build walls and I run away, from people, from things, from pain. Even the people I love, even the people I don’t want to run from. When it gets hard, I run as far away as I can because that’s where I know it’s safe, that’s where nobody can hurt me. They don’t understand what it’s like to grow up so incredibly alone, to have lived with this gaping hole of emptiness all my life. They don’t understand what it’s like to feel so unwanted and unloved and inadequate all the time. At some point, it’s easier to pretend the damn hole is not there, to pretend you don’t need people or love or care instead of acknowledging the pain of needing and not getting. At some point you believe it’s your fault, your inherent lack of worth that makes you so unlovable. it bubbles and boils into a self-hatred and need for self-destruction. At some point, you get used to running you can no longer stop.
After all, it’s my safe place. My safe place and my prison. nobody can hurt you, except yourself, and god knows I am my own worst enemy. nobody can hurt me more than I can, nobody can leave me because I isolate myself. I’d isolated myself so well I almost forgot what loneliness felt like, almost forgot I even needed anything. Then the fucking realization hits, that your eating disordered behaviors and self harm and drinking and all impulsive things you do stem from this very need to get away, the crux of self-destruction. When you realize you do want to open up and you want to just rely on someone for once but the fear comes, followed by the insecurity and self-hatred. So what if things are different now? So what if your parents have changed or the people around you have changed? The monsters are no longer around you, they’re in your head. So you isolate again because that’s what’s safe, and the cycle repeats.
i always regret saying too much, caring too much, loving too much. i want all my secrets back. i always end up hurting too much. i just need to be alone. don’t worry, i’m fine, really. i just need some time. i’ll be okay soon, just.. leave me alone. i don’t need anyone. i’m a burden. i’m a mess and if anyone knew, they would leave too. it’s fine. i don’t need anyone. i just want to help them, be there for them. that’s one thing i can do. i can deal with my own problems alone. it’s okay, don’t worry. let me just be here for you.
Maybe the only reason why my therapist has managed to get so far inside these walls, is because I can’t do the same things I do in every other relationship. It’s literally her job to care about me… though I do make it really hard on her. I open up slowly and close up a lot. It was a struggle at first, so much push and pull- even now sometimes, my defense mechanism is to retreat. I do that a lot less now, admittedly, I’ve come to trust her and rely on her for emotional support much, much, more than what I’m comfortable with. It is uncomfortable, and I am terrified of losing her, and I hate admitting that I need emotional support but she’s been so loving and understanding and patient over time.. she’s also learnt to pry a little and not take what I say at face value, which helps. I wonder if any real relationships would ever be like that, if anyone would ever care enough? if anyone would ask if i’m okay. if I would ever be okay with relying on someone. it’s not that I don’t trust them- I don’t trust me.
Sometimes the realization hits, that I’m so sick of running, but I can’t stop. I can’t stop because once I do, all the pain will catch up to me and I don’t know if I can deal with that. But god, I have been running round and round and round and I don’t know if I’ll ever get out. I want to run away, far far away. where to? I don’t know. away.