chronically sick 

if mental illness is a chronic illness that I’m going to have to deal with for the rest of my life, I don’t think i want to. I’m tired, i’m tired and it’s been 4 years (and maybe more) and I’ve already had enough. I see people in their 20s and 30s and beyond that, struggling with eating disorders and mental illnesses. I see mothers struggling in depths of their illnesses and i never want to go through that.

I don’t want to be a mother struggling, a uni student struggling, a wife struggling. i have spent all my teenage years struggling and i don’t want to waste my entire youth struggling, but how do i not? i need this to have an end point, but i see no horizon in sight and i could keep going like i always have, but long how until i say enough is enough?

i didn’t ask for any of this, i’m so tired. it’s no longer the kind of tiredness where the exhaustion runs in my bones, a weary heart fallen to the ground but the kind of tiredness that just is.



Who would have known how bittersweet, this would be? As I sit here listening to this beautiful live music, and all I want is you and me- hand in hand, slow dancing. All I want is you next to me, laughing like we did. All I want is us.
It’s silly how much I miss someone I hardly knew but now I’m here, I can’t help but wonder. Now I’m here, I can’t help but miss all the memories we never made. It’s silly how my mind wishes for the miracle to see you again, like maybe someday we’ll be two people meeting again. It’s silly because maybe I should be mad at you for not trying harder, but who can I blame but fate? Fate brought us together like a whirlwind, tore us apart just as quickly, and yet a part of me still wishes that very same fate will bring me back to you someday. 

Is it stupid, to have fallen for that tall boy with the dark hair and goofy smile and unexpected charms, stupid to fall in headfirst even though I knew the world was against us? Is it stupid that I knew you for just a few weeks- but but I still miss you after almost a year and a half? That the same songs still bring you to my mind? When I look back, I don’t think of how I walked away crying that day, or those long nights I stayed up wondering about you but I remember us. Us standing side by side the ocean breeze in our hair, looking at the stars. How it felt slow dancing, the warmth of your chest, and the safety I felt in your arms. Us racing each other like little kids across the decks, in the summer sun, laughing the whole time. Is it stupid to hope that you would remember me? 

It’s stupid but I miss him. I’m mad at him and mad at the world, and mad that we never really stood a chance. It was never fair, was it? We would have been beautiful together.. but that’s all it is, a would-have-been. They say I’ll find someone like you but I’ve been looking and there’s nobody who makes me feel the way you did, nobody who makes me light up like you did, nobody who makes me want things I’ve never wanted like you did, nobody who makes me laugh like you did. You checked all the boxes I didn’t even know I had. I never believed in the stuff of romance novels, an instant chemistry, sparks flying, love-at-first-sights or the way I swore my heart skipped a beat- until you. Nobody else matches up, how could they?

rag-doll girl

I feel like a broken puppet, barely held together with a thread

and if i let the thorny voices get any closer

my head cloudier

the cheap stitches holding me together will break

i feel like i’m this close to falling apart, any wrong move will break me, so i have to stay in control i have to not feel. i’m so sad inside but i’m trying to keep myself together, trying to keep holding on to the threads when i just want to unravel them all and let this rag-doll girl fall apart.

i have to keep going, find ways to stitch myself up and bury the pain and feelings and sadness deep deep inside. control will be the key- if the numbers are in control and the food is in control and the scale is dropping, everything will be okay. i have to believe in that. not in therapists who try to help you recover or friends who look out for you or family you want to have a meal with. nothing matters as much as control. 

maybe a part of me wants to get better but every time i do, something inside screams i don’t deserve it. and i don’t. i’m not sick, i don’t have a disorder. it isn’t a problem- i’m the problem. i can’t trust anyone or anything anymore so let’s build these walls back up and make the fortress impenetrable before it’s too late.


The waves are crashing down, all over again

All around

Those flimsy fortresses gone

fortresses of lies and restriction

fortresses of emptiness and numbers

fortresses that were never strong

I was never really in control

It’s easier to let the waves take over

Easier to submerge myself headfirst

Drowning was not feeling

Drowning was instant relief

Numbness that comes from filling and emptying and filing and emptying

Numbness, too, can be a lie
After the numb, comes the storm

Worse than before
Fortresses or not,

It never really ceases

sadness never stops

Never good enough

Always too much

Not safe

Sometimes not anything at all
Numbness or not,

Pain is pain

It’s all just anaesthesia

For something I cannot heal

A hole inside too big

Pieces too broken to stitch together
I need a fortress- my fortress

It might be broken but it’s all I have

It’s all I want (need)

Build a stronger lighthouse

A bigger lifeboat

The waves are crashing down

But I’ll keep Swimming
No more jumping into the deep end

I have to swim

Before I sink

into an endless ocean of self-hatred

Gone forever