Dear Future Husband

Dear Future Husband,

Hey there. You must be a pretty special someone eh? You probably already know how hard it is for me to trust fully, to be vulnerable, and to commit. How did you get through all these walls?! How did you get this girl who once stopped believing in marriage to marry you? It must have been a journey and a half, getting to this point. Well, I don’t know what I’m going to be like, but I hope I’m in a better place- a place where I can love you fully without fear, a place where I can be the best version of myself with you by my side. I hope I’ve learned how to accept love and feel loved.

I’m sorry for all the times I know I’m going to be hard to deal with. I think I’m always going to be emotional, I’m always going to overthink things and care too much and hurt too much. I’m sorry for all the times I’ve probably avoided confrontation, you know I’m not good with taking conflict. I’m sorry for all the alone time I know I’m going to need. I know it’s going to be hard, because I value my freedom and individuality a lot, I’m such a free spirit in many ways. I hope I didn’t put you through too much. Commitment doesn’t come easily for me, but it means so much to me- once I truly commit, I’m yours forever, so I need to be careful too.

I’m really looking forward to all the little things- the feeling of catching your eye across a crowded room, cuddling on lazy mornings, movie nights and long walks, dancing in the living room to old music, seeing that smile of yours I know I will always love. I’m looking forward to all the adventures we’ll have together, because if I’m marrying you, you bet we’ll turn everything into an adventure, be it a trip to the supermarket or travelling to another continent. I hope we always have fun together and I promise I’ll always laugh at your stupid jokes. I hope we fight when we have to. I hope we fight and then talk it out, I hope we talk and listen and compromise because communication is so important to me. Please be here for kisses and lots of physical affection after our fights are over though, I promise I will too. I hope you entertain all the random philosophical/psychological debates I want to have and all the silly things I’m going to do, you know how I can get. I hope you’ll pretend to be interested when I jump in excitement over the newest highlighter/palette/lipstick, I promise to not drag you out shopping with me too much and go with my twinnie instead, okay?

I know I can’t give much, but I will always be here, I will listen to you for hours if you need. I will accept you completely as you are, and never ever judge. I will love unconditionally, and I promise to never give up on you, on us. When I say my vows, I hope you know that I mean every single word. And I need you to, as well. I need know that you won’t give up. ‘Till death do us part’- that’s a really long time, and honestly, I’m terrified of becoming like my parents or my grandparents. I’m terrified of losing the love and spark along the way and never getting it back. I’m terrified of becoming one of those boring middle-aged married couples where we become consumed with work and children and forget about working to keep ‘us’ alive. I want to annoy you with all the messages telling you I love you and surprise you after work to go out on a date. I want to learn to cook your favorite food and watch your favorite movies with you, even if they’re action movies I hate. You know I love pretty things, I don’t think that will change, but it’s always going to be the little things that matter the most, not lavish gifts or extravagant dates. Please still surprise me with flowers and dinner even when we’re 40, or 50 or 60, just because. I don’t care if I’m old and creaky, ask me to slow dance anyway because you know how much I love dancing. Please come home and surprise me with the ice cream you know I’ve been craving, or tickets to watch the latest musical because you know how much I love them. I hope we’re one of those annoying parents who are embarrassingly in love, because I think I’ll always look at you with that same affection.

Hmm, I wonder what our children will be like? Will we be good parents? I’ve always wanted children, because I want to give them everything I never had, but I think I’ll be hesitant for quite a while because I’ll probably be career-driven. No matter, I want to raise children who have never felt unloved or alone, children who grow up with the right values and strong beliefs, children who grow up knowing how to think for themselves and stand up for causes they believe in. Eh, you know I’m going to need you to play the bad cop right? I have a feeling I’m not going to be very good at disciplining them heheh. Please remind me to take a step back and calm down when I get overemotional in front of the kids, and please refrain me from spoiling our kid to death.

I think I’m going to need you to balance me out in many ways, so I hope you are the more rational, meticulous and extroverted one. I really hope our differences complement each other. I wonder what kind of person you are, who will I end up marrying? Did I first fall for your smile, or was it a joke you made or something you did? How do you like to take your coffee? What are you like when you’re frustrated? What do you like to read? There are so many things I want to know, and I hope I know you inside out at this point, and continue to learn more about you as we grow together. And lastly, this is really really important- please don’t yell at me or ever get violent. It’s okay if we fight and get angry, but no yelling and violence okay? I’m sure you will know why by now and I’m sure you know how scared I get. I just hope you remember, no matter what happens in the future. It scares me to know that I will love you so much that it’s not going to matter even if you hurt me, I will always forgive you no matter what.

At the point of writing this, I’m doubting anyone will ever read this, I’m doubting that anyone could ever really fall in love with me or want to put up with me or care about me- but if you are reading this, you’re probably someone really really special, ya know? And I want to say Thank You for everything. I love you more than words can ever describe.

-Love, the 17 year old me


Thought Catalog // You are Not for Everyone

You are not for everyone. There are poems within you that people will not be able to handle, storms surging through your bones that young men and women will never be able to weather.

See, you have a love inside of you that will ooze from your very veins like honey on a hot day and you will never be able to stop it. You’re going to fall deeply in love with the wrong world – the kind of world young girls dream of, the kind of world where people say how they feel and love whom they love. You will forever be attached to the deep parts of those you tangle yourself within, though they will never get their hands dirty long enough to uncover the treasure that hums within your dancing pulse.

You are going to be misunderstood in the way you care, for you will love people not for what is obvious within them, but for what is hidden beneath their masks. You are not going to revel in their freckles, you will not compliment the hues within their eyes. You are going to live for the way they breathe in the cold December air, watching as their chest rises and falls like your very heartbeat. You are going to live for the way their pupils dilate when they talk about something they are truly passionate about, when their cheeks flush from a compliment or the unexpected brush of your foot against their leg.

No, you are not for everyone. You are never going to be able to stop yourself from screaming your love from rooftops, you will never be able to play it cool. You are the kind of person who will worry about the strangers you see in grocery stores, the kind of person who will stay up at night wondering about your fifth grade crush, hoping that the sun is setting beautifully wherever they rest their head.

For that, I hope you protect yourself.

I hope that you do not let the world condemn you for being too loud, too expressive, too soft; that you do not let it convince you to be perfect instead of real. I truly hope that you celebrate the fact that you are not for everyone, that you are not impressing the kinds of people who were built on the foundations of a sad world. If there is anything you do, please, let yourself rejoice in the fact that you do not fit in, that you think differently, because there is a chaos that laughs inside of you and it is going to change lives. It is going to make even the cynics believe again. It is going to grow love from thorn and glass.

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