Break

It was one of those days again,

I don’t even have anything to tell

just the usual, arguments and yelling

just as it always has been.

And yet the tears still flow,

as it always has been

The tears always end up flowing

Mask it with anger and yelling and pain

Push it down with more pain

The tears always end up flowing

Stopcryingstopcryingstopcrying

And you think it’s safe

but will it ever be?

 

I find myself huddled up in this corner

Because if I make even a little move

I think I might just

Break

Advertisements

Fly

when I was younger, all I wanted was to grow up

grow older, wiser, better

like a caged bird waiting for flight

waiting,

and waiting

but you see, what they don’t tell you is that it’s never enough

everybody conceals their messy lives with glossy smiles and perfect filters

you’ll never be who you think you’ll become,

and neither will that perfect image of what it’s ‘supposed to be

not at eighteen

or twenty

or twenty five

you see, what they don’t tell you is that there will always be

those days

those days when the loneliness of being in a crowd will suffocate you

those days when nothing is right and you can’t get out of bed

those days when everything is falling apart and you just need somebody there

we’re all so consumed in the idea of the future we forget to live

make mistakes, have fun, remember the little things.

because yes, there will be those bad days

but there will also be days where the sun is shining and you’re laughing,

and everything is okay in the world

days where you dance with that cute boy you just met

days where you’re alone with a good book, and you know what?

life isn’t that bad after all

And what they don’t tell you, darling

is that you’ll never have it all figured out

I want to tell you so many things, to not to grow up

but what I mean is,

you are exactly where you need to be right now

so don’t wait any longer

go ahead and fly”

to the girl who feels too much

To the girl who feels too much.

Why are you so afraid?

I was once told, a little girl chocking back tears,

that I was too sensitive

sensitivty is a weakness, or so they say

In a cruel world that screams a million different things

to be better, louder, stop doing that, not good enough, yes more this, no less that

Sensitivity is painful.

you think too much, feel too much, hurt too much

you learn to put this heart under lock and key

vulnerability is getting hurt, don’t let anybody see

wipe that traitorous tear off your cheek

I’m okay.

I’m okay.

Why are you so afraid?

the road has been filled with bumps and detours and too much loss

don’t lose yourself.

sensitive souls suffer more,

but darling,

you love harder, dream wider, experience deeper horizons.

You’re a storm or rainbow or the blazing sun- you’ll never just be

‘okay’

see the kaleidoscope of colors around you

feel the galaxies within you

hear that little heartbeat and know you’re alive in every sense of the word

Let your sensitivity be your guide

Why are you so afraid?

Hopeless Romantics

All hopeless romantics are in love with love- idealists,the sentimental dreamers,the imaginative and the fanciful when you get to know them. They often live with rose colored glasses on.”

I used to be a hopeless romantic, the kind of person who believes in fairy tale romance and true, perfect love. As a girl, it’s hard to not dream of your perfect wedding or wonder when that special someone is going to come and swoop you of your feet like they do in all the movies I watched. Even as I got older and understood that relationships weren’t that simple, I still chose to believe in ‘true love’- I absolutely love romance movies and I still do, swooning and melting over every romantic gesture.

But I don’t know anymore. Does everyone get cynical as they grow old? I hate being cynical, but I am. When I see people getting married and I think about the divorce, when I see couples my ages getting together and I wonder when the breakup will be. I’ve never had any good role models when it came to relationships, growing up, my parents’ arguments had a huge impact on me and there were so many times where all I wanted as a 10 or 11 year old kid was for them to get a divorce so they would stop. I don’t know if that’s what kids are supposed to want. And I absolutely hate to admit this, but even my grandparents’ relationship deteriorated over the years- or maybe it was always this way I don’t know. I’m just thankful that if they had problems, they never showed it around me as a child, they were really good grandparents actually- and treated me age appropriately.

Seeing all this, and then seeing couple after couple breakup or get a divorce either in real life or on social media- it just makes me feel like crap, and at some point I just stopped believing. Maybe it was self-protection kicking in, I don’t know. Or maybe it’s just my problem with attachment (another long story)- but you become cynical to avoid getting hurt. Maybe it’s this silly idealism, when you imagine everything to be so picture perfect- but real life is the exact opposite, everything just crashes around you. My head’s screaming- ‘lies, it’s all lies’. Maybe it’s a combination of everything.

tumblr_odk7jjasmh1s9c6nao1_500

At the end of the day, I really, honestly, feel like nobody could ever want me or like me- what more love me and me loving them back? The thought of it, the concept itself is so foreign in my brain. I just feel like nobody’s ever going to love me and I’m not even upset about it, I’ve accepted it as fact. I don’t think I’m very capable of feeling love. I don’t like how cynical I’ve become. I don’t like that I no longer believe in marriage. I don’t like that I don’t know if I even want to get married anymore.

I got my tattoo, ‘believe’, because I know at my core I am the most optimistic, idealistic person, and I got it to remind myself to not stop believing in beautiful, magical things, to not stop believing in love and people. But getting it as a reminder, it’s because I know how hard it is. When everything around you tells you otherwise, when the world is shit, it’s easier to just shut yourself off. I guess that’s why I always empathize with ‘cold’ or ‘mean’ characters, like Rizzo in Grease (yes I just watched the movie again, and I love her character) because I wonder what made them this way? I wonder if you got hurt in the past? I wonder if you had such a big heart, it was easier to freeze it and pretend you didn’t have one?