Thought Catalog // You are Not for Everyone

You are not for everyone. There are poems within you that people will not be able to handle, storms surging through your bones that young men and women will never be able to weather.

See, you have a love inside of you that will ooze from your very veins like honey on a hot day and you will never be able to stop it. You’re going to fall deeply in love with the wrong world – the kind of world young girls dream of, the kind of world where people say how they feel and love whom they love. You will forever be attached to the deep parts of those you tangle yourself within, though they will never get their hands dirty long enough to uncover the treasure that hums within your dancing pulse.

You are going to be misunderstood in the way you care, for you will love people not for what is obvious within them, but for what is hidden beneath their masks. You are not going to revel in their freckles, you will not compliment the hues within their eyes. You are going to live for the way they breathe in the cold December air, watching as their chest rises and falls like your very heartbeat. You are going to live for the way their pupils dilate when they talk about something they are truly passionate about, when their cheeks flush from a compliment or the unexpected brush of your foot against their leg.

No, you are not for everyone. You are never going to be able to stop yourself from screaming your love from rooftops, you will never be able to play it cool. You are the kind of person who will worry about the strangers you see in grocery stores, the kind of person who will stay up at night wondering about your fifth grade crush, hoping that the sun is setting beautifully wherever they rest their head.

For that, I hope you protect yourself.

I hope that you do not let the world condemn you for being too loud, too expressive, too soft; that you do not let it convince you to be perfect instead of real. I truly hope that you celebrate the fact that you are not for everyone, that you are not impressing the kinds of people who were built on the foundations of a sad world. If there is anything you do, please, let yourself rejoice in the fact that you do not fit in, that you think differently, because there is a chaos that laughs inside of you and it is going to change lives. It is going to make even the cynics believe again. It is going to grow love from thorn and glass.

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Fly

when I was younger, all I wanted was to grow up

grow older, wiser, better

like a caged bird waiting for flight

waiting,

and waiting

but you see, what they don’t tell you is that it’s never enough

everybody conceals their messy lives with glossy smiles and perfect filters

you’ll never be who you think you’ll become,

and neither will that perfect image of what it’s ‘supposed to be

not at eighteen

or twenty

or twenty five

you see, what they don’t tell you is that there will always be

those days

those days when the loneliness of being in a crowd will suffocate you

those days when nothing is right and you can’t get out of bed

those days when everything is falling apart and you just need somebody there

we’re all so consumed in the idea of the future we forget to live

make mistakes, have fun, remember the little things.

because yes, there will be those bad days

but there will also be days where the sun is shining and you’re laughing,

and everything is okay in the world

days where you dance with that cute boy you just met

days where you’re alone with a good book, and you know what?

life isn’t that bad after all

And what they don’t tell you, darling

is that you’ll never have it all figured out

I want to tell you so many things, to not to grow up

but what I mean is,

you are exactly where you need to be right now

so don’t wait any longer

go ahead and fly”

to the girl who feels too much

To the girl who feels too much.

Why are you so afraid?

I was once told, a little girl chocking back tears,

that I was too sensitive

sensitivty is a weakness, or so they say

In a cruel world that screams a million different things

to be better, louder, stop doing that, not good enough, yes more this, no less that

Sensitivity is painful.

you think too much, feel too much, hurt too much

you learn to put this heart under lock and key

vulnerability is getting hurt, don’t let anybody see

wipe that traitorous tear off your cheek

I’m okay.

I’m okay.

Why are you so afraid?

the road has been filled with bumps and detours and too much loss

don’t lose yourself.

sensitive souls suffer more,

but darling,

you love harder, dream wider, experience deeper horizons.

You’re a storm or rainbow or the blazing sun- you’ll never just be

‘okay’

see the kaleidoscope of colors around you

feel the galaxies within you

hear that little heartbeat and know you’re alive in every sense of the word

Let your sensitivity be your guide

Why are you so afraid?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thought Catalog // Growing Up

Extracts from 2 articles that spoke to me. I don’t know, I think having been through such hard things, I’ve forgotten how to live or how to be young, all I’ve been doing is picking up the pieces of a broken life. As a perfectionist, it’s hard to let go, it’s hard to just let things be. I don’t quite know how to stop living in my head and start living in the present. I want to create a life full of life, spontaneous moments, adventure, little things, laughter, silly  mistakes. 2017 is coming, it’s time to buckle down for some reflection soon, but for now, I’ll survive.

“When you’re young and you’re free, you don’t have to have it all figured out. You’re allowed to be a little unsure. You’re allowed to be a little bit lost. You’re allowed to work a job that isn’t your dream job or date someone you’re not sure you could marry or waste time at a hobby you enjoy that isn’t necessarily taking you anywhere career-wise. Not everything has to have a clear, long-term purpose. You’re allowed, in some ways, to simply be the age you are. To enjoy the ride. To figure it out as you go.

You’re allowed to date without worrying too hard about where it’s going – to enjoy someone for their presence and not their future husband or wife potential. You’re allowed to kiss a few strangers and have a few flings and go out with someone for the sole reason of they make you laugh and you kind of want to see them without clothes on. You don’t have to think so hard about all of it. Some things are allowed to be instinctual.

You’re allowed to not date at all. You’re allowed to enjoy time on your own and plan your life alone and change those plans when and if it becomes necessary. You don’t have to grow preoccupied over your compatibility with others or what that date with that guy from last weekend really meant – you’re allowed to simply let people come and go as it makes sense. You don’t have to be putting yourself out there when you’re not really feeling like doing so. It’s okay to be alone if that is what you want. It doesn’t mean you’ll end up that way indefinitely.

You’re allowed to get out of your comfort zone. You’re allowed to strap on a backpack and go travelling while everyone else is getting married and promoted and popping out babies. You’re allowed to take that job that you aren’t sure about because it might be a good opportunity, even if you have to move across the country to take it. You’re allowed to jump feet-first into things that are a little uncertain. You are young enough to bounce back if it doesn’t work out. You are old enough to deal with the fallout of your misjudgments.

You don’t have to live your life based on a careful, outdated timeline that you set up for yourself when you were too young to ever know better. You may not be where you thought you’d be at twenty-five or thirty-five or fifty but maybe you’re altogether better because of it. After all, the best parts of life are the unplanned bits – the people or the projects or the passion that interrupt your plans without apology and take your life by storm.

Because as easy it is to forget, you’re free to do what you want with your life. The problem is, that can be quite the responsibility, to live your life the way you want to, rather than they way you are expected to. Especially if that means taking a big jump. And especially when that jump may feel like a free fall. Maybe quit your first job and go back to school if that feels right. Get married or don’t. Maybe you drop out of school or chop off your hair. Maybe you change your mind. End a relationship that no longer serves you. Become a different person. Maybe you move away or move back home. Or maybe you’re scared to do these things because it’s uncomfortable and unexpected. Maybe it’s because you don’t know if everything would fall into place or you’re scared what that would mean if it did.

And when you’re in your 20s, I hope you buy a plane ticket to Paris. I hope you get lost wandering all of the streets. I hope you travel the world and read lots of new books. I hope you have interesting conversations over warm cups of tea. I hope you drink out of mason jars while dancing barefoot in the grass. I hope you have a water fight in Central Park. Set goals and change them. Quit your day job. I hope you don’t do any of these things or that you do them all. Write a book. Change your mind. Start new friendships and let go of the ones that you need to. Say goodbye to all of the things that have kept you stagnant and vow to keep moving forward.

I hope your 50s mean going back to school or starting yoga. I hope your 40s include falling in love with someone new — a friend, child, or partner. I hope you stay up all night laughing with your friends. And when you’re 30, learn something new. I hope your life is one of wisdom and youth, adventure and old age — no matter what year it was that you were born.

But what I really mean to say is that I hope you aren’t held back because of a number. And that you don’t rush into things because it feels like time is slipping by. I hope you do what’s right for you. Hold on. Slow down. And breathe in. Your age is your age. But more importantly, your life is your life. Don’t change your journey so that it matches someone else’s. We need to walk different paths so the whole world can be explored. Revel in the differences. And enjoy where you are.”

Hopeless Romantics

All hopeless romantics are in love with love- idealists,the sentimental dreamers,the imaginative and the fanciful when you get to know them. They often live with rose colored glasses on.”

I used to be a hopeless romantic, the kind of person who believes in fairy tale romance and true, perfect love. As a girl, it’s hard to not dream of your perfect wedding or wonder when that special someone is going to come and swoop you of your feet like they do in all the movies I watched. Even as I got older and understood that relationships weren’t that simple, I still chose to believe in ‘true love’- I absolutely love romance movies and I still do, swooning and melting over every romantic gesture.

But I don’t know anymore. Does everyone get cynical as they grow old? I hate being cynical, but I am. When I see people getting married and I think about the divorce, when I see couples my ages getting together and I wonder when the breakup will be. I’ve never had any good role models when it came to relationships, growing up, my parents’ arguments had a huge impact on me and there were so many times where all I wanted as a 10 or 11 year old kid was for them to get a divorce so they would stop. I don’t know if that’s what kids are supposed to want. And I absolutely hate to admit this, but even my grandparents’ relationship deteriorated over the years- or maybe it was always this way I don’t know. I’m just thankful that if they had problems, they never showed it around me as a child, they were really good grandparents actually- and treated me age appropriately.

Seeing all this, and then seeing couple after couple breakup or get a divorce either in real life or on social media- it just makes me feel like crap, and at some point I just stopped believing. Maybe it was self-protection kicking in, I don’t know. Or maybe it’s just my problem with attachment (another long story)- but you become cynical to avoid getting hurt. Maybe it’s this silly idealism, when you imagine everything to be so picture perfect- but real life is the exact opposite, everything just crashes around you. My head’s screaming- ‘lies, it’s all lies’. Maybe it’s a combination of everything.

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At the end of the day, I really, honestly, feel like nobody could ever want me or like me- what more love me and me loving them back? The thought of it, the concept itself is so foreign in my brain. I just feel like nobody’s ever going to love me and I’m not even upset about it, I’ve accepted it as fact. I don’t think I’m very capable of feeling love. I don’t like how cynical I’ve become. I don’t like that I no longer believe in marriage. I don’t like that I don’t know if I even want to get married anymore.

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I got my tattoo, ‘believe’, because I know at my core I am the most optimistic, idealistic person, and I got it to remind myself to not stop believing in beautiful, magical things, to not stop believing in love and people. But getting it as a reminder, it’s because I know how hard it is. When everything around you tells you otherwise, when the world is shit, it’s easier to just shut yourself off. I guess that’s why I always empathize with ‘cold’ or ‘mean’ characters, like Rizzo in Grease (yes I just watched the movie again, and I love her character) because I wonder what made them this way? I wonder if you got hurt in the past? I wonder if you had such a big heart, it was easier to freeze it and pretend you didn’t have one?