“if you have the courage to make it through a lonely night with nothing but your self-destructive thoughts to keep you company,
darling, you have the courage to make it through anything.”
it’s another one of those nights, not a particularly bad one, just.. numbness. the same thoughts, the same behaviors, rinse and repeat, most of the time I hardly notice I’ve been on the same ride for so long. I say i don’t mind it – i don’t. I’m used to it, and yet truth is, what else do i know? Sometimes I open my eyes, and i’m so worn out from these endless loops and facades that i just want to scream. hope is a funny thing, isn’t it? the one thing that lets us all down, and yet, the pesky little thing that always seems to make it’s way back into our hearts. how can so much hope, and yet so much hopelessness, exist within me?
i’m spinning so fast, one small step off would kill me. i don’t know how to make it all slow down. all i know is, there are multitudes within and forces pit against each other, and i’m sick of having to chose, of having to fight. i have fought like hell to get to where i am, fought to stay alive, fought to leave it all behind and fought to move forward. i fight to keep going everyday.
i hold my ground amidst the tides, toes firmly planted in the sand beneath- this too shall pass, like it always has. i carefully cross the lines to connect the stars, forming new constellations- new hopes and dreams and things to live for. i don’t like fighting, but what choice do i have? tonight i remind myself our souls are woven with the cosmos and birthed from the fire of burning stardust. i have made it through 100% of my worst days and i have the courage to keep going. i don’t see a future now, but perhaps someday i will.
funny how it just started pouring outside as i’m writing this. it always takes me back to that night, the first time i tried to kill myself. i’ve not told this story much, because of how cheesy it sounds. flashbacks to being outside by the pool, hopeless and more broken than i’d ever been, stomach full of way too many pills for a 14 year old, too tired to even cry.. until the rain came pounding down in the middle of nowhere. as the heavy droplets pelted against the still pool, i cried. i cried, and i cried and i cried. the rain saved me, that night. maybe it was something about the sudden nature & impeccable timing of the rainstorm, it felt like it was for me. Hearing your pain reflected in the world around you, crying with you, it makes you feel less alone. It woke me up that night, it was a sign– and i realized i wanted to live. I dragged myself out that night and I woke up the next morning, alive in a hospital bed, needles in me and worried people hovering- but i woke up anyway. people asked ‘what stopped you?’, it was the rain. maybe it was silly, but maybe it was in me all along. i just needed that sign, i needed something to hold onto.
the raindrops have quietened into a gentle pitter-patter now, my favorite kind of rain. i couldn’t help but think, perhaps this too, was a sign- a timely reminder of sorts. it’s true that i could swear at the world, swear at life and declare that i want no part to play in any of it. i could wage war onto myself because destruction comes more naturally to me than making peace. i could do that, and nobody would blame me for giving up, because who wouldn’t be exhausted at this point?
but the sun is rising and the birds are starting to wake, and i know i have the courage to make it through. i’ve tried, and i’ve failed, but there is no shame in trying again. perhaps i owe it to that little girl who fought so hard in the rain, i owe to every part of me that fought to take me where i am today, i really should give me more credit. i will keep going, even if it means staying still sometimes. even if it’s small self-care things or doing what makes me happy or pushing myself to be better or even the simple act of saying ‘i will keep trying’. even if it’s just not giving up and giving in to all the bad things lurking in your head.
the sun is up and the rain has now stopped, leaving gentle rays shining through the sheer curtains in my room and a glossy sheen to the world around me. it’s a new day. and all i really wanted to say is, i will be okay. i’m going to be okay. i will get to where i need to be. i am brave enough to keep living and who knows, i might even deserve it.